1. Brad Pitt's character in The Inglorious Basterds is a sanitized version of Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz.

2. Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz actually won more medals than WWII hero Audie Murphy, but his dog ate them.

3. There is no truth to the urban legend that Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz was actually a woman posing as a man so he/she could get herself a few of those Kraut bastards.

4. However, Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz did occasionally dress in woman's clothing when he needed to feel pretty.

5. Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz often mistook his penis for his bazooka, and vice versa.

6. Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz's Twitter ID is ltcolbozbozbozenboz48730.

7. If you assign a number value to each letter in Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz's rank and name, then add them together, then square it, then divide it in two, then throw it in the microwave on high for 20 seconds, you'll discover the meaning of life.

8. While waiting assignment in England Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz fathered all four of the Beatles, even though he wore a condom, that just proves how powerful Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz's sperm was, and probably still is.

9. You know the joke ... How come Michael Jackson shops at Kmart? Because he heard little boys pants were half off ... that was written by Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz.

10. Although it is true that Lt Col Boz Bozbozenboz didn't invent the internet, he did invent internet porn.

It's a Nokia E71X that I got for free by extending my at&t contract, and it's got unlimited text, and internet, and a whole bunch of other stuff that will probably give me a number of headaches while trying to figure them out.

Here's a video review of the Nokia E71X by my good friend alexv.

1. Hi, I lost my little dog Fluffy in the woods and I was wondering if ...

2. My name is Jorhan, would you mind if I called you Natalee?

3. You must be Rice Crispies because you're making me feel like a cereal killer.

4. Would you like to come back to my place and see my OJ shrine?

5. If I said you had a beautiful body would you let me mutilate it?

6. I don't mean to brag but, they've issued seven amber alerts because of me.

7. I'm a photographer for Commie Porn magazine and we're looking for next month's centerfold.

8. You'd look great outlined in chalk.

9. Yeah, I have a cozy little dungeon in the east village.

10. My name is riff ...

(Left to right, The Mod Squads Michael Cole, The Mod Squads Peggy Lipton, and the Mod Squads Clarence Williams III)

Anyway, we were going to a Simon and Garfunkel concert.
While we were walking to our seats a big burly security guard came running up to us
I was afraid he was looking for drugs
But he wasn't
Karen Chi Minh was afraid he was looking for the Soviet made surface to air missile that she always kept in her purse.
But he wasn't
He just wanted to know if we were Steve McQueen and The Mod Squads Peggy Lipton.
And Karen Chi Minh was like ... do we look like Steve McQueen and The Mod Squads Peggy Lipton
And the big burly security guard who was starting to look vaguely familiar but I couldn't quite place his face said ...
Yeah, you do, and I just wanted to give you a couple of back stage passes, you know, because you're celebrities
And we said thanks
And we made small talk for a few minutes
And the big burly security guard kept looking more familiar ...
But I still couldn't place his face
Finally, the big burly security guard, whose name was on the tip of my tongue, said that he thought he saw Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate standing in line for Simon and Garfunkel World Tour t-shirts, and he had to split
And Karen Chi Minh and I were like ...
No problem-o
And as the big burly security guard started walking away I could see a button pinned to his fringed vest that read ...
MAKE LOVE, NOT PANTS
And I was like Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's ...

I was just in the bathroom puking my guts out, and that's why my arm is hurting now.

And seriously, I can feel the pain easing up as I type.

Well, then, boz, you might ask, why the fuck were you puking your guts out?

And I'd have to answer, geez, I don't know, but I feel a lot better now that I have.

Ok, and the cough drop I just took helped too.

Other than that I got nothing, not even a kid sister named Phoebe.

Ok, I'm going to watch a movie about a guy who hung a lot of the nazi war criminals after the war, or maybe it's a movie about a guy who was hung and a nazi war criminal after the war.

I think I need another cough drop.

Getting ready to go to Florida always make me puke.

Goodnight Vienna

Back in the mid 70's there was a young man with hair like spun gold who had a cat named Vienna.
Vienna was not your ordinary run of the mill cat.
Vienna was a talking cat.
Unfortunately the only person who could hear Vienna speak was the young man with hair like spun gold.
The young man with hair like spun gold didn't find it particularly strange that his cat named Vienna could talk, because at various times in the past he had a dog named Madrid who could read, a hamster named Copenhagen that could dance, a frog name Brussels that could solve complicated algebraic equations, and two snails, one named East Berlin who could play the flute, and another named West Berlin who could play both the banjo and the ukulele.
Yes, it's true that Vienna was the first pet the young man with hair like spun gold had ever had that could speak, but the young man with hair like spun gold always knew that a pet that talked was just a matter of time.
One day while snacking on mouse fries and drinking a catnip smoothie Vienna had an idea.
"Let's go on a killing spree throughout the Midwest" Vienna purred.
The young man with hair like spun gold leaned back in his chair and thought about Vienna's request.
"Sure, what the heck, as long as we can start tomorrow and be finished by the weekend." responded the young man with hair like spun gold.
Vienna was taken aback. "Why do we have to be finished by the weekend? Statistics have shown that Midwestern killing sprees have a greater chance of success and notoriety if they take place over the weekend."
"Well, in that case" answered the young man with hair like spun gold, "let's do it."
And so that Friday, shortly after six pm est, Vienna's and the young man's with hair like spun gold killing spree began.
Their first stop was at a park in Moline Illinois where three women in mom jeans and seven untethered dogs were gunned down by automatic weapons fire.
The untethered dogs were Vienna's idea, but the young man with hair like spun gold didn't protest, in fact, the young man with hair like spun gold fired the shots that killed dog number five, a collie mix, and dog number seven, a high strung miniature poodle who yapped till the very end.
The Moline Massacre, as the newspapers soon dubbed it, was a precursor of things to come.

End of Chapter One.

2. No

3. You'd have to ask the Karens.

4. Of course it hurts. It always hurts, and if you didn't want to know you shouldn't have asked.

5. Jesus Fuck.

6. That one song by the Kinks where god is a clown.

7. Anyone but heather.

8. The same as the previous answer except change heather to curly.

9. Abbz by a knock out in five rounds, or charly gets disqualified for crying at the weigh in.

10. Gary Busey, the guy that beat me up in 5th grade, and ceph.

EXTRA CREDIT. One of alexv's cats.