I'm feelin' tragic like I'm Gary Busey.

1. It's raining, and I can never fall asleep when it's raining, unless I'm already asleep, and then I wake up, and it's raining, and then I can fall right back to sleep, well, right back to sleep after I check to see if all the windows are closed, and I really like thunder and lightening too, etc.

2. Or maybe it's the two dishes of ice cream I had tonight, but it's ok, because I am going on a clear liquid diet in ten hours and I figured it's best to get the ice cream craving out of the way, and seriously, do they really expect me to live on chicken broth and orange jello for the next day and a half???????????

3. Sometimes I really do wish that I was a blind blues singer except maybe for the part about being blind unless it got me pity sex, and then I guess it would be ok, but then again maybe not because what if the pity sex was from a goat a really ugly woman or something, I mean, how would I know, but then again if I were blind, what would it matter.

4. I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired.

5. DON'T WORRY, I'M AWAKE, I'M AWAKE!!!

6. Ok, so my brother in law is doing ok, they ran all kinds of tests on him in the ER and they think it's just some kind of infection, and my brother in law really is a wuss, and he crapped his pants while he was in the ER and I wasn't going to mention that but ... he told me that he did, and why would he tell me that he crapped his pants in the ER, I mean if I ever crapped my pants in the ER the last person in the world I would tell would be my brother in law, so I was all what the fuck, I don't need to take this info to the grave with me, blah, blah, blah.

7. I mean, it was almost like he was proud of it.

8. And guess what's playing now, right now, on my windows media player  ... yep, it's The Return of the Son of Monster Magnet by The Mothers of Invention, and whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the time back in 1968 when I inadvertently walked in on an orgy uninvited and The Return of the Son of Monster Magnet was playing on the stereo.

9. I should tell you that story sometime, about the orgy and the seventeen year old boz.

10. I used to have a ponytail, did you know that? Ok, I didn't have a ponytail, but my hair was long enough so I could have had a ponytail, and I sometimes did but just to freak my old man out, and that picture of the back of curly's head taken by alexv over in my FRIEND'S LATEST column reminded me of that, except my ponytail was longer and not quite so curly, and my ears weren't pierced either.

frostedglass: 06/22/2009 11:34 PM
I am catching up, thereby not studying for my finals. What up in Bozland?

I have entered into an agreement with charly where he sends me a certain amount of money and I send him a certain amount of high quality american t-shirts which would cost at least five times more in the republic of argencharlyina, and it's not a black market scheme, I'm only doing it once, and in return charly promised to never post another video of himself wearing nothing but the underpants I sent him, and did I tell you that the underpants were from the boys department, so it seems that charly is just like michael jackson because he likes to get into little boys underpants ... (((rimshot)))

Ok, this could have been funnier, or maybe not, but it's late, and earlier today my brother in law told me that he likes to walk around the house naked, and I'm afraid that image will be burnt into my brain for like the next hundred years, and I just had a worse thought, what if my brother in law and charly got together and made videos of their nakedness and semi nakedness.

I received this email a couple of hours ago:

Agatha Clark to me
show details 6:06 AM (2 hours ago) Reply

Please give me one more night, give me just one more night. So i can make you see.
Hi! my new friend! Are you looking for a woman? I might be the one!!!
I saw your profile on some website and decided to drop you
few lines. I am moving to your area in few days and looking for a man
partner who could show me around and who knows what might come out of this.
I am moving from the other part of the world.
Send me an email at lepinemulyij1429@gmail.com so we can get to know each other. This is my personal
address I use for correspondence. So use this GMAIL only.
Will send you my picture once you reply. don't walk away from here. And i was wondering should i call you.

My reply:

Greetings my dearest sweetest Agatha,
You must have found my profile on the Tourette Syndrome Hotline Forum.
It's my favorite website for meeting chicks because they are all so
needy.
SHIT POOP DUFUS DUFUS DUFUS POTTY POTTY POTTY WET MY PANTS WET MY
PANTS WET MY PANTS
What a coincidence that you are moving to my area in a few days,
because I was seriously considering moving to your other part of the
world because I heard that the laws regarding bestiality are not as
strict as in my part of the world, but since you are moving to my area
in a few days I think I could delay my move until we find out if sex
between the two of us can quash my need for animal nookie.
BOOGER BOOGER BOOGER NAKED LADY PARTS NAKED LADY PARTS NAKED LADY PART
DEAD LADY DI UNDERWEAR PICS  DEAD LADY DI UNDERWEAR PICS DEAD LADY DI
UNDERWEAR PICS ENEMA ENEMA ENEMA DOUCHE DOUCHE DOUCHE
I am looking forward to seeing your pic. I hope you don't look like a
dog, but it would be ok if you had a dog (wink wink wink).
Yours in all my creamy goodness
DILDO BREATH BACKWARDS SEX THREE NIPPLES THREE NIPPLES THREE NIPPLES I
HAVE THREE NIPPLES
Dr Buzz Nettleson.

back to front

Front to back

kitchen area and other couch

dining area and couch

bedroom

Bathroom

That's it.

So, here it is 4:19 in the morning, and I'm sitting here wide awake but so tired that I am almost hallucinating, and I'm eating french bread and drinking diet coke, and I did sleep a little earlier this morning, I fell asleep while I was watching the movie Tropic Thunder, and I guess that I fell asleep for about twenty minutes or so, but not a real deep sleep, it was more the kind of sleep where you're vaguely aware that you're sort of asleep and sort of awake and sort of knowing that as soon as you turn the television off you'll roll over once or twice and be wide awake again, and that's what happened.

So, I got up and turned on the computer and I was going to check buzznet, but there was an email, and it was from her, the her that I told you about once before, the her that keeps coming in and out of my life, and it's really hard to explain the effect that her has on me, and why she even has that effect on me, but she does, so let's leave it at that.

Anyway, I got an email from her, and it had been awhile since I had heard from her, but there's reasons for that beyond her control, and she told me that there was this song called The Park by a singer named Feist, and she said that Feist made her think of me, and she sent me the song, and she wanted to know what I thought of it, and I listened to it, and I listened to it again, and I found the lyrics and I listened to it again, and I don't know, but I think I have the same effect on her that she has on me.

Then I wrote her back, and went on and on and on, trying to be cool, but probably not succeeding, but still trying, because that's part of my charm, I think.

Now I'm just sitting here and it's 4:35 in the morning, and I've finished my french bread and my diet coke, and I'm feeling really pleased with stuff, and I think I'll listen to the song a couple more times and then go back to bed where I'm sure I still won't be able to sleep, but who cares.

The End

As all you loyal Monkey House viewers know heather was shot at in the last installment of the monkey house. So, what do you think we should do with her?

1. Kill her off quickly?

2. Kill her off slowly and agonizingly?

3. Have her survive due to an organ transplant from Charly the Argentinian Sewer Rat?

4. Have her die due to an organ transplant from Charly the Argentinian Sewer Rat?

5. Have her survive due to an organ transplant from Charly the Argentinian Sewer Rat, and fall in love with CtASR?

6. Have her die due to an organ transplant from Charly the Argentinian Sewer Rat, and still fall in love with CtASR?

7. I've run out of things?

8. What do you suggest?

9. Maybe we could just disappear heather like they did to the one daughter on the Urkel Show?

10. It's a dream, it's a dream, it's nothing but a dream?

1. I almost ran over a lesbian in the parking lot of BK by accident, and I knew she was a lesbian because of the shoes she was wearing, so you don't have to ask.

2. I bought two pair of camo cargo pants for 7 bucks each and cut them down into camo cargo shorts, and hemmed them with hem tape, and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that why didn't I just buy two pairs of camo cargo shorts and save myself the trouble of cutting them down and hemming them, well, yeah, point well taken, but camo cargo shorts cost 16 bucks a pair, so you do the math.

3. See, you can't even tell that they've been cut down and hemmed. With a little effort and a lot of self promotion I could be the next Martha Stewart.

4. I've sneezed about a thousand times since yesterday afternoon, and not my normal cat like sneezes, but more like "oh my god, my brain is about to come out through my nose" type of sneezes.

5. I had peanut butter sandos for dinner two nights ago, make that three nights ago, and they weren't all that good, but I didn't feel like cooking, or going out, so peanut butter sandos it was, and I think I'm about to start sneezing again.

6. The monkeys are all sitting on the couch in the living room and whenever I get up to check on them they act like they aren't up to something, but I know they are, and I know whatever they are up to heather is behind it.

7. One of the people who took part in the gift exchange has not sent out their gift, but I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, but if the person they were supposed to send their gift to does not receive it in the next few days, that person will be going on my blocked list, and that'll teach 'em, and you know who you are, and I am shocked and ashamed.

8. I made a psychedelic video of me singing White Rabbit that I was going to post, but the sound quality wasn't very good, so I'm not going to post it, and I doubt if I will make a new video of it because after the fact I realized that I was singing so loud that most of my neighbors probably heard me and called 911 and I know the cops are poised just outside my bedroom window and ready to jump at the slightest provocation.

9. I've already fed the birds today, so don't worry about it, ok.

10. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think I might go get a haircut later on today, and I'm going to get it cut short again. Hey, can an almost 60 year old white guy pull off a fade?

BK has free Wi-FI !!! I might as well move in.

I'm listening to Bananaramamamama's Greatest Hits, because I'm all about the Eighties.

I need a new computer chair.

I downloaded a shit load of music last night. In addition to Banananaramamamama, I downloaded A Siegel-Schwall Band box set, a Bonzo Dog Band box set, a 45 song old school ska compilation set, a Jefferson Airplane Live at the Fillmore East 2 CD set, a Cyndi Lauper Greatest Hits CD, an Animals Greatest Hits CD, and a Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich Greatest Hits CD.

I watched the movie Volcano this morning, the one starring Tommy Lee Jones, and every time they said the word LAHHHHHHHHHH-VAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH I died a little inside.

Should I clean my bedroom?

I got my new driver's license in the mail today, and I'm wearing glasses!

I've got your Double Gulp ... right here!

Stuff I bought at the Dollar Tree ... Mmmmm Dr Pepper Pops!

This is just wrong on so many levels. Even Li'l Curly wouldn't sit on this dudes lap, well, maybe.

 Nooooo, don't even suggest that this is me. Just don't, I mean it, noooooooooooo.

So, just talk among yourselves.

Oh, man, I had such a weird dream last night. I dreamt that my sister and I were in my dad's old 1970 Ford Galaxie and we were driving around on all these muddy back roads, and my sister was driving, which was weird in itself, and we were driving on these muddy back roads and all of a sudden she pulled over to what looked like a complex of share cropper shacks and said she had some friends she wanted to say hi to, which gave me a really bad vibe, because I had heard that sharecroppers didn't take kindly to outsiders, but my sister assured me that she knew these people, and I guess she did because when we went into their sharecropper shack they were really nice to her, and it turns out that they bred CATS for a living, not your normal every day cat, but they were breeding MUTANT cats, and like I said they were really nice to her, but not to me, because one of their mutant cats grabbed hold of my sock and wouldn't let go, and I kept asking for help, ok, I kept screaming for help, but no one would pay any attention to me, so I finally ran out the door with the cat still hanging on to my sock, and I grabbed a pair of long johns off the clothes line (???) and finally got loose of the cat, but he kept my sock, so I'm running around with one bare foot, and remember it's muddy, and I jumped in the car and honked the horn trying to get my sister's attention so we could get out of there, but instead of getting her attention it got the attention of about ten of the couple's children, and they all looked like Li'l Curly Clones, and they started coming toward the car menacingly, so I locked all the doors, and then they all started pushing the car, and they were really strong for Li'l Curly Clones, and they started pushing the car, and they pushed it off the road and into the trees, and I'm pretty sure they were pushing it toward a cliff, but that's when I woke up, and I guess that's it, except for DAMN THOSE MUTANT CATS AND LI'L CURLY CLONES!!!

Well, I went to the park ...

And I took some pictures of me ...

And I took some more pictures of me ...

And when I got bored taking pictures of me (about 30 of them) I took pictures of my feet ...

And then some pictures of my feet with legs attached ...

Yeah, and I guess I went to the BK too, and then when I finished there I walked around the Evil Empire for awhile, but I didn't buy anything, I just sort of walked, and looked at stuff, and now I am home.

Oh, wait, I also went to the supermarket and bought some popcorn, not the microwavable kind, but the kind you either use in a popcorn popper or pop on the stove, and I like to make it on the stove, because it's a lot easier to clean up, and it's really good that way too, and it's called Cousin Willie's Popcorn, not to be confused with Cousin Popcorn's Willie.

And NOW I am home entertaining YOU.

Heather looked stunned when she hung up the phone.
"What's the matter heather, who was on the phone, what's wrong, what's wrong?" an increasingly distraught curly shrieked.
"IT'S BOZ" heather squealed like a dolphin. "HE'S IN SOME KIND OF JAIL!"
Everyone appeared amazed ... except for andy, who looked quite pleased.
"This can't be right" shouted zenabby "boz is too much of fucktard to get himself in that kind of trouble."
Alexv sat in the corner stroking his favorite cat of the moment and opined "Indeed, this sounds nothing like the boz we all know. I would hazard a guess that there is something a foot that we are not privy."
"Shut up alexv" sneered curly "Your new found internet fame has gone to your head."
"No, you shut up curly" came alexv's snappy retort.
"No you shut up, you big bag of in Essig eingelegte Thunfische!" curly was livid, her obviously long hidden affection for boz was finally bubbling to the surface.
"Guys, gals, c'mon now, stop with the petty bickering" ceph was trying his best to diffuse the situation.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP CEPH" cried everybody in unison, and so ceph did, back into his fantasy world, where long ago, once upon a time, ceph had a pair.
Suddenly there came a voice out of nowhere!!!
"MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
It was the unmistakable voice of that evil princess of darkness ... POT the PETULANT!!!
"Your oh so precious boz is in hell" sneered Pot. "A hell created and maintained by me ... minion, get me my sippy cup ... NOW!!!"
(((POOF)))
And like that Pot was gone.
The room was silent.

So, I'm kind of scared to go to bed tonight.

I just watched one of those psychological scary thrillers.

It starred Liv Tyler, and damn, she must be pushing 40 now, and at first I didn't think she looked that good, but the further into the movie I got, the better Liv started looking, and it's ok that I call her Liv because if she knew me I'm pretty sure she would say it's ok.

Live Tyler being scared shitless, which is even more scared than I was watching the movie.

And doesn't she have big ears, but not too big.

And doesn't she have big feet, but not too big, like some one we know.

And the movie was called The Strangers.

And it was based on a French movie.

And I happened to see the French version a month or so ago.

And I think the English translation of the title of the French version was called Them

And in Them the scary people were kids.

But in The Visitors the scary people were adults.

And I think the French version was better.

And maybe it wasn't French, but it was at least European.

And have the French ever made a funny comedy?

And not all French girls are sexy.

Some French girls have mustaches

And the ones with mustaches would be part of the not sexy group.

And the French are really assholes, or so I'm told.

I much prefer the Spanish, and the Germans, and all those people from the little countries like the Belgians and the Dutch, and the Luxemborgians, and the Lichstenstinians, and the Granolians.

And yeah, of course the Austrians, the ones with straight hair and petite feet

Ok, and curly too (Hey, she might send me another package if I pretend to be nice to her.)

Ok, maybe I'm not too afraid to go to bed now.

In the past few days it has come to light that a certain buzznet member has multiple accounts and aliases.

Ok, this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Here are a few blogs of mine that I have had in the past using different aliases.

1. This is a blog I started that shows how different my life might have been had been if I had gotten married.

2. This is me as the dancing baby.

3. This is me as former star of the Brady Bunch Eve Plumb.

4. This is me as Francis Pottie, the father of Moonie Pottie, of the Canadian cult classic coming of age film New Waterford Girl.

And finally ...

5. This is me as Dr Hunter Douglas ... Undercover Spam Police where I seek out Nigerian Spammers and others of similar ilk.

I'm shocked, shocked I tell you, shocked.

Check it out on You Tube if you like

Not only was my last video deleted by buzznet, so was Heather's. It's getting pretty fuckin' squirrely around here. Oooops, I said fuckin.

Jayv and pixeltopia were starting to get to know each other.
Pixeltopia handed jayv a beer, then in a non threatening manner he put his arm around javyv and asked "Hey, jayv, do you like gladiator movies?"
"Do I ever" squealed jayv. " I just lurve gladiator movies, and show tunes too, I just love show tunes!!!"
Pixeltopia smiled to himself "This is going to be easier than I thought, Pot will be so proud of me."
Just then lory piped up "Hey where'd you get the beer?
"Ummmm, it was in this crate marked PROVISIONS COURTESY OF EPOD" answered pixeltopia.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, let me see, let me see, let me see" a now very excited lory shouted out. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, there's a toaster! Can we have some toast, can we have some toast, can we have some toast?"
Pixeltopia chuckled evilly "In due time my dear lory, in due time."
"Hey nessa" shouted out jayv "Pixeltopia likes gladiator movies too, and I just asked him if liked show tunes, and I just know he does, I just know it"
Pixeltopia smiled and thought to himself "Like shooting fish in a barrel, like shooting fish in a barrel."
Nessa, now completely bored out of her skull was straining to see something way off in the distance.

When ceph and abc got back to the room zenabby was handing out black arm bands and sobbing inconsolably.
Ceph was baffled "What are the arm bands for abbz? Are you in mourning for your last egg?"
"Fuck you ceph, fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on, and fuck the guy who sold you the fucking horse, and fuck abc for guilt by mother fucking association."
Zenabby was almost screaming now. "It's charly, poor, sweet, innocent, misunderstood charly. He chartered a plane to try and find nessa, jayv, lory, and pixeltopia, and we've just got word that his ... (sob) plane ... (sob) has ... (sob) crashed 500 miles off the coast of Newfoundland and the FAA says the chances of any survivors of the crash are a million to one !!!. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, charly, I miss you soooooooooooooooo much."
From the corner of the room curly looked up from her game of Go Fish with andy, alexv, and heather, and chirped "So, I guess that means that charly is out of the gift exchange. Sucks to be him. Who's the poor bastard who got stuck with him anyways?"
Everybody laughed, even zenabby, despite herself.

And don't forget to check out my latest video ...The Charly Marly Varly blues.

http://boz48730.buzznet.com/user/video/4048261/charly-marly-varly-blues/

Curly stretched and yawned "Oooooooooooooh, I could use a nice HOT shower after my long SWEATY run"
"Oooooooooooooooh" moaned heather " I could use a nice WET ... HOT ... SOAPY ... shower too."
Curly gave heather a sly smile "Ooooooooooooooooooh heather, why don't we shower together?"
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooh curly" ooooohed heather "Let's  ... do ... it!"
The girls disrobed, and quickly got into the shower.
"Oooooooooooooooooooh" squealed curly "The water is sooooooooooooooooooooo hot."
"Oooooooooooooooooooh" squealed heather " The water is soooooooooooooooooooo hot, and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo steamy."
"Steamy" echoed curly "So hot and steamy, and look how it makes my skin glisten!"
"Oh yes" shivered heather "I'm so HOT, but look ... I still have goose bumps!"
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooh, goose bumps are so sexy" purred curly.
"You know what this makes me think of" asked heather.
"No, what" curly wondered as she began soaping herself.
"It makes me think of that song I Kissed A Girl" giggled heather.
"Oooooooooooooooooh, I love how boz sings that song" cooed curly (Curly likes to coo)
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo, silly" answered heather "Not boz's version, the one by Jill Sobule, it's so sexy"
"Yeah, sexy .... oooh, oooh, oooh, heather help me" whimpered curly "I've got soap in my eye and it stings soooooooooooooooooooooo much."
"Oooooooooooooooh, let me take care of that for you curly" sighed heather.
Heather leaned in, she could feel curly's HOT breath ... heather's heart was pounding ... curly's heart was pounding ... their bosoms were glistening and ... HEAVING.
Their lips were about to touch when ...
"CEP-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H, CEP-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H, WAKE UP" screamed a no longer disembodied head of abrowncat.
"Huh, what, huh ..." ceph was still half asleep
Abrowncat laughed "Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Ceph blushed bright crimson red and quickly covered himself up.
Abrowncat tried to keep from laughing. "C'mon ceph, they need us."

As boz sat in the BK nursing his second refill of diet Coke a sense of foreboding washed over him.
He had known for months that the upcoming battle was looming, but he had no idea it was just over the horizon, and boz was completely unprepared.
The last few years had worn heavy on boz and frankly, he wasn't sure if he was even up to the task.
Perhaps he should seek out Pot and negotiate a truce, but no, that would be wrong, you can't negotiate with evil, and Pot, boz knew, was evil incarnate.
Boz finally understood what Shakespeare meant when he wrote ... Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.
Boz sighed noticeably as he got up to get his third refill of diet Coke and barely noticed the faint rumblings far off in the distance.